Asking Friends and Former Clients for Referrals
May 17, 2022
Having friends in high places can be a definite benefit when you’re looking for referrals. But first things first—if they haven’t offered, you need to ask. That’s where some awkwardness can come in. How do you ask a friend to refer you to others in their company our outside of it without seeming pushy, desperate, or exploitative? Here are some tips that will help you get the referral you want without putting unnecessary strain on the friendship.
It’s a question, not a demand
You might feel comfortable enough with your friend to say, “Hey! You’ve gotta get me into your company!” But no matter how close you two are, no one enjoys feeling like they’re having demands put on them. Instead of telling him or her to give you a referral, ask nicely. And use the term "introduction"...it's more strategic and intentional. Say something like, “You’re so lucky to work at XYZ Corporation. I would love to find a way consult there - our best work is coming from firms just like yours.” Would it be possible for you to introduce me to the Product Development folks in IT?” Make sure your friend knows this is a request—not a requirement of your friendship.
You might feel comfortable enough with your friend to say, “Hey! You’ve gotta get me into your company!” But no matter how close you two are, no one enjoys feeling like they’re having demands put on them. Instead of telling him or her to give you a referral, ask nicely. And use the term "introduction"...it's more strategic and intentional. Say something like, “You’re so lucky to work at XYZ Corporation. I would love to find a way consult there - our best work is coming from firms just like yours.” Would it be possible for you to introduce me to the Product Development folks in IT?” Make sure your friend knows this is a request—not a requirement of your friendship.
Make sure it’s reasonable
Your friend may be awesome, but that doesn’t mean he or she’s a miracle worker. Ensure in your communications that you know the firm well, have an ideal stakeholder role and level in mind and share a bit about why you're looking for that spec. If you don’t have the qualifications, work history, or results story to make your friend look good, don’t put him or her in an untenable position. That’s taking unfair advantage of your relationship, and it’s not likely to end well career-wise or friendship-wise.
Your friend may be awesome, but that doesn’t mean he or she’s a miracle worker. Ensure in your communications that you know the firm well, have an ideal stakeholder role and level in mind and share a bit about why you're looking for that spec. If you don’t have the qualifications, work history, or results story to make your friend look good, don’t put him or her in an untenable position. That’s taking unfair advantage of your relationship, and it’s not likely to end well career-wise or friendship-wise.
Be prepared
You can’t automatically assume your friend will be prepared with the idea of giving you an introduction. So be ready in a calm and logical way, why you think you would be a good fit for the ideal contacts you covet in their company. Give examples of your success. Show enthusiasm and let your friend know if he or she makes an introduction who will treat it with the highest level of deference and care.
You can’t automatically assume your friend will be prepared with the idea of giving you an introduction. So be ready in a calm and logical way, why you think you would be a good fit for the ideal contacts you covet in their company. Give examples of your success. Show enthusiasm and let your friend know if he or she makes an introduction who will treat it with the highest level of deference and care.
Give them an out
You should be able to give good reasons for your friend to introduce you. Present your case succinctly and objectively but accept it if they just don’t want to do it. Don’t get defensive or keep trying to push your point. Simply say, “Thank you for listening. I totally understand.” Don’t badger or make him or her feel like you’re unwilling to let it go. You don’t want to find yourself short a referral and a friend. Asking a friend for a referral can feel a little uncomfortable for both parties, regardless of the level of closeness between you. But you can reduce some of that awkwardness by being humble, reasonable, prepared, and gracious.
You should be able to give good reasons for your friend to introduce you. Present your case succinctly and objectively but accept it if they just don’t want to do it. Don’t get defensive or keep trying to push your point. Simply say, “Thank you for listening. I totally understand.” Don’t badger or make him or her feel like you’re unwilling to let it go. You don’t want to find yourself short a referral and a friend. Asking a friend for a referral can feel a little uncomfortable for both parties, regardless of the level of closeness between you. But you can reduce some of that awkwardness by being humble, reasonable, prepared, and gracious.
Your entire friendship isn’t based on this, so if the answer is no, don’t take it personally. And if the answer is yes, make sure you show your gratitude (a nice dinner or tickets to an event are a good way to go)—especially if you get an introduction and better yet a project!
More tips:
1. Know your Value
Be sure of yourself and the value that you offer. Value comes in many forms: think of all the intangible ways you provide value to your clients. This is an exercise just for yourself, to see why it’s okay to ask for a referral. Next time you get nervous about asking for a referral, think about all the value you provide to your clients and why they continue to work with you and your firm.
1. Know your Value
Be sure of yourself and the value that you offer. Value comes in many forms: think of all the intangible ways you provide value to your clients. This is an exercise just for yourself, to see why it’s okay to ask for a referral. Next time you get nervous about asking for a referral, think about all the value you provide to your clients and why they continue to work with you and your firm.
2. Reach out to the right people
You might reach out to a large list, or just a few choice customers. Either way, you need to be deliberate about who you ask. Which customers are happy with what you do? Who do you think is appropriate for you and which of your connections has the strongest bond?
You might reach out to a large list, or just a few choice customers. Either way, you need to be deliberate about who you ask. Which customers are happy with what you do? Who do you think is appropriate for you and which of your connections has the strongest bond?
3. Make sure “the ask” feels natural
Asking for an introduction should come as a natural progression after you’ve spent time building a relationship with someone. It shouldn’t be the first thing you lead with when you reconnect after being out of touch. Asking is all about timing. Once you've communicated what you've been up do and have listened hard to your contact's journey, then your ask won't feel awkward or pushy.
Asking for an introduction should come as a natural progression after you’ve spent time building a relationship with someone. It shouldn’t be the first thing you lead with when you reconnect after being out of touch. Asking is all about timing. Once you've communicated what you've been up do and have listened hard to your contact's journey, then your ask won't feel awkward or pushy.
4. Approach customers at a convenient time
What is your connection's business cycle? If they are in the midst of performance reviews or end of year budgeting, this is probably not the time to seek support. You can also ask for introductions passively. You don’t always have to ask directly. Sometimes, it can be better to casually remind a connection, or to slip the invite in at a later time, using a passive or indirect ask such as in follow-up emails, email newsletters, phone messages, social media posts, business cards, or even your email signatures.
What is your connection's business cycle? If they are in the midst of performance reviews or end of year budgeting, this is probably not the time to seek support. You can also ask for introductions passively. You don’t always have to ask directly. Sometimes, it can be better to casually remind a connection, or to slip the invite in at a later time, using a passive or indirect ask such as in follow-up emails, email newsletters, phone messages, social media posts, business cards, or even your email signatures.
5. Look for moments when customers are happiest
The absolute best time to seek introductions is when your connection is at their happiest – such as after a big win, a promotion, success for their department or a significant family event. Consider asking something like, “Based on what I shared with you about our best clients, is there someone that comes to mind I/we can help?”
The absolute best time to seek introductions is when your connection is at their happiest – such as after a big win, a promotion, success for their department or a significant family event. Consider asking something like, “Based on what I shared with you about our best clients, is there someone that comes to mind I/we can help?”
6. How to ask someone directly for an introduction
Asking for an introduction directly helps you better connect with your network. However, to make this scalable, segment your best ideal contacts, or the ones who will mutually benefit from receiving your introduction. Here are three things you will need to consider when asking someone directly for a referral.
- Have a reason to reach out: People are busy, so don’t contact them just for the sake of doing it. Look for a good opportunity such as a promotion or significant win in their company.
- Personalize your message: Differentiate your brand by relating to your contact with personalization. Be sure to do your research and learn a little bit about your ideal introduction target. You can bring up how you work with them, how they have benefitted, and a hypothesis on how you can help your introduction candidate.
- Don’t go overboard: Going overboard with personalization can be a big turn off and make your customers uncomfortable. Keep your insights related to your issue fluency with a specific title, role, and business unit.
For more information or to make Bill Walton Sales Training insights a reality for your organization, send us a note at bwalton@billwaltonsalestraining.com
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